A Pigeon and his Lawn
I Hate mowing lawns.
That's it... I came out of the closet and freely admit it; take my man-card away from me if you deem it necessary.
There are few things I hate more than mowing lawns, raking leaves and shoveling snow. Given a choice between burning fossil fuels, spreading chemicals and destroying habitats to maintain a lush, green lawn, or spending my weekends lounging with the family, I'll take the lounging every time, hands down.
I don't understand lawns. Other domesticated men revel in edging them, trimming them, weeding them, watering the [PIGEONED] out of them. Despite the fact western South Dakota is in the throes of a massive drought, there's nothing but green lawns as far as the eyes can see. I'm all about letting mine die and match the natural state of the brown prairie surrounding it, but noooo, the man-book (and Air Force regulations) state I will maintain a trimmed, green, and thirsty lawn at all times. Being rousted from sleep at 7 AM on a Saturday to the cacophony of lawn mowers is also always a nice touch.
So why do I even bring this up? Well, my lawn mower was out of commission today: that is, a retired guy I pay $20 a week to mow my lawn on my behalf (my contribution to the economy). Anyways, he's out of town until Saturday, and here I am with a lawn overgrown enough to eat neighborhood children. If it were my own property, I'd say to hell with it; but since it's Air Force property and I HAVE to mow it, I had no choice but to suck it up and borrow my neighbor's mower. This after spending all day working on the huge project I mentioned in yesterday's WEEKLY RETORT.
So what could've been a quiet evening with the family turned into me bushwhacking the jungle for two hours and taking on the appearance of the Jolly Green Giant in the process. In other words, The Mad Pigeon, perhaps the greatest living threat to tyrants and ne'er-do-wells worldwide, was brought to a standstill by a simple lawn. My Kryptonite, if you will.
[PIGEONED].
Back tomorrow with the OPEN TOPIC OF THE WEEK. I haven't come up with one, yet; so if you have a suggestion send it to me at thebigpigeon-at-yahoo-dot-com.
Stumble It!
I believe in paying people to do things for me. LOOOOOL, I would have found someone else to do my lawn.
Posted by: Amal | 03 May 2006 at 21:37
The lawn is symbolic of man's never ending struggle to display dominion over nature.
Every cut of the lawn mower has blades of grass screaming for mercy - screams which torture the jedi knights of Taoism.
Or more simply put, I'm with you. Let the grass grow and compete with the prairie. Allow the natural order to reestablish balance.
Wu Wei.
Leaving the dedicated Taoist (or in this case Pigeon) to put his feet up and have a beer.
I also agree with Amal. When there are jobs to be done around the house, get someone in to do them. Circular flow of income / trickle down effect, call it what you like - but it maintains a healthy economy and leaves plenty of quality time for La Famille.
"Chairman Tao in Total Agreement Shocker" ran the headline the next day.
Posted by: Chairman Tao | 04 May 2006 at 01:37
Chairman forgot to add "Film @ 11" to his headline.
Posted by: Amal | 04 May 2006 at 08:23
Wait...isn't that one of those jobs Americans refuse to do?
Posted by: carly | 04 May 2006 at 10:22
If you plant enough of those pretty dandelion flowers, you'd never have to mow. All your neighbors would appreciate the beauty of your new garden, which would quickly spread to theirs, as well. Ah, I get all weepy just thinking about rubbing them under my chin as a child, to see if I was in love, or blowing from the stem a giant puff of delicate seeds.
Moreover, they make a killer wine!
Posted by: Alex | 04 May 2006 at 11:32
What about a ride-on mower? Can't you rent one or buy second-hand locally? That may make the chore more bearable. Make sure it has a beverage holder slot for your beer! Or, a kid down the street could do it for slave wages. What about one of your men, bribe 'em w/beer? I don't know, manual labor is abhorrent to me, I would try to get out of it any way I could. The military provides you with everything else, if they wanted you to keep the lawn manicured, why didn't they issue you a ride-on mower???? With 65 cents of every dollar going to the military budget, you'd think the gov't could afford it.
Posted by: canuckistani | 04 May 2006 at 14:50
Manual labor is for the proletariate!
Posted by: Alex | 05 May 2006 at 00:21
Manual labour ?
I thought he was the President of Mexico ?
Posted by: Chairman Tao | 05 May 2006 at 02:57
Three things i Noticed about yardwork as a kid
1) It's a great disciplinary tool
2) It's a good way for sons to get to know their dads
3) Compared to school and work where your job involves lots of thinking, sitting in a chair and ruining your eyes staring at a computer, I think it's a nice break.
Posted by: MOGS | 05 May 2006 at 16:18
Three things i Noticed about yardwork as a kid
1) It's a great disciplinary tool lol yes I much prefered stay in side and play
2) It's a good way for sons to get to know their dads - I would have prefered not as he always got hot sweaty and very angry that I didn't do it properly
3) Compared to school and work where your job involves lots of thinking, sitting in a chair and ruining your eyes staring at a computer, I think it's a nice break.
I prefered the school work :-)
Posted by: Geoff | 09 May 2006 at 03:43